I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
