Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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