i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
