Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
