I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
