Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize