I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
