oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
