I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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