how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
