I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
