I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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