dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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