I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
two words: eviction party
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
