Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
