well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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