worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
