"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
