Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
