Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
bring money and cleavage
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
