You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
