He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
