I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize