THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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