there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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