Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
