Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
