I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
