I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
