If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
