it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
