I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
