Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
