I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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