Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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