it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
