if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
