explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
