im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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