i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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