If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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