I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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