my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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