Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
