Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
