I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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