No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
