the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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