Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
