I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize