batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
