I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
