im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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