last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
