Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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