I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
