I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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