got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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