Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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