I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this boner is exhausting
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
