Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
