I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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