i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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