if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
